Memo

BPL ANNOUNCES RECALL

2010-02-09T15:12:11Z

In BPL's unending quest for the trappings of legitimacy, it has issued a Recall. But this is not like Recalls issued by corporate giants for products like unstoppable or unstartable automobiles, plasticy dog food, or leaded teething devices. Its not even a Recall proper. BPL announces its first Precall.

Our Systems Sustainability for New Aerospacey Products (SSNAP) Division has been analyzing the marketing value of product recalls. We estimate that the Legitimacy Index Exception (LIE) is increased when products are publicly exposed as faulty, poorly designed, dangerous, or fraudulent. Companies see increased growth, especially after a good media lambasting.

As all BPL products are somewhat inefficiently hand made and developed by our single employee, there is much to recommend them for this marketing strategy. But rather than spend a lot of time and money on shipping things out, recalling them and then shipping them out again, which is really the harmful part of any recall, we will PRE-RECALL our unshipped (and even as - yet unproduced or unimagined) merchandise. This means that BPL Products already have the legitimizing stamp of RECALLED when you, dear aerospace consumer, receive them. Thus, you can bask in the 'improved' condition of your Stereo Viewer, or Pocket Protector, or A7LB Space Suit, when you first remove it from its shipping carton. BPL believes that its Precall system will soon become an industry standard. We have already effected improvements on several of our product lines equalling two to four Recalls of any of our competitors. Our goal is to offer the best Recall Experience in the Aerospace field.

Esther Klein Art Gallery presentation

2010-01-29T04:32:27Z

***PUBLIC MEMORANDUM***

A BPL representative will be giving a brief talk entitled "What does a 19th Century American Painter Have To Do With Space Exploration?" during which this question will be tangentially addressed. Following the numerous questions and somewhat fewer answers generated by the presentation, he will demonstrate the process of manufacturing BPL's new Stereogram Viewer, with real plastic and sharp objects.
This will all take place through Breadboard, at the Esther Klein Art Gallery, 3600 Market Street, Philadelphia, PA 19104, from 1 - 4 p.m. on Saturday, 30 January. Another demonstration of the automated production of the BPL Moranic Mission to Montana official patch may also take place, Fates and time permitting.

BELOW IS A LINK TO A SET OF SAMPLE DIRECTIONS TO THE PRESENTATION:

http://www.mapquest.com/maps?1c=Washington&1s=DC&1a=1600+Pennsylvania+Ave+NW&1z=20500-0003&1y=US&1l=38.89872&1g=-77.036379&1v=ADDRESS&2c=Philadelphia&2s=PA&2a=3600+Market+St&2z=19104-2641&2y=US&2l=39.95623&2g=-75.19448&2v=ADDRESS

Feel free to contact BPL with questions at
http://browerpropulsionlab.com/communicate
or if you prefer, you may call our customer support line at 888-BPL-1848

BPL Holiday Party

2009-12-23T19:32:08Z

BPL Holiday Memo

DROOP
Directorate for Resident Operators Office Parties

23 December, 2009

In consultation with upper management, this office has concluded discussions about the annual BPL office party. Our main concern has been to avoid last year's fiasco, but still have fun.
From around the middle of December until 2 January, people are generally rushing around hurriedly attempting to 'finish' things and address their holiday needs. This results in missed work days and elevated levels of stress. We don't have to remind you that a lot of traveling gets done in this period, and the general elevation of anxiety can be dangerous at home, on the roads, in the air, out in space, and most importantly, at work.

That is why we chose to schedule this year's party in a statistically and scientifically considerate manner, rather than with an eye toward tradition and sentimentality. This year's party will be held Wednesday, 27 January, 2010, during the lunch break which will be extended to a full 45 minutes, beginning at 10:20 a.m. EDT. Also as usual, it will be in the break room, next to the secretary's first aid station. Studies have shown that this is the least productive moment of the year, so spending the time on a party will not interfere with our progress too much.

As with any holiday office party, this directorate will be responsible for collecting the funds from all of you for the decorations and refreshments. $25.00 each should do. The collection period begins immediately and will end on Friday, 22 January, at 7:50 p.m. EDT. Keep in mind that your receipt is your ticket to the party, the attendance of which is mandatory, company-wide. We will need volunteers for the several committees: Decorating (this year's theme: Bow Hunting); Place settings, Cutlery, and Condiments (see me for some left overs from last year); Music (appropriate, please!); Food (Diabetes friendly); and Secret Santa. We really need everyone's help to make this year's party the best ever, so don't be afraid to make suggestions!
Oh, and one other thing. Due to the time of day, management has decided that alcohol will not be a feature of this year's party. If you want to drink, do it before you come to work.

BPL Spelling Policy Executive Review (SPEW)

2009-12-22T17:23:37Z

BPL Head Ofﬁce
Sanitation Desk

22 December, 2009

**********MEMORANDUM**********

It has come to the attention of this desk, and the person or persons sitting behind or on it, that a memo was sent out recently without our approval. Clearly stated in the BPL Bylaws, in the BPL Handbook (I'll let you ﬁgure out which page and paragraph as penance), is the directive that all Memos, documents, notes, literature, sermons, graphic representations or novels (or even descriptions), ﬁles, or scrivenations of any kind must be approved by the Sanitation Desk. We discovered that the word 'RECEIVING' was spelled 'RECIEVING' in the subject line of an electronic missive sent to the entire network on 21 December, 2009. Here is a real email we got in response:

**********

i before e, except after c, or when sounds like a(long), as in "neighbor" or "weigh"

Exceptions: seize, inveigle, either, weird, leisure, neither.

your professor,
Peter

**********

To the Author of the Original Memo:
Now, you might say to yourself, 'that's just a petty sniping at our single ﬂaw; there's no mention of all the dozens of words in the document we spelled correctly!', but that's not the point! This guy, after getting that document, and looking over all the hard work this company put into devising it, and all the somewhat less hard work it might have put into whatever the document refers to, this guy, who is technically right you know, says, 'yeah, whatever, but you spelled this word wrong, so screw you!" And that is his prerogative. He will probably never send us his business, never look at our website, and never be convinced that we are for real - no matter how many 'free samples' and coupons or robotic midnight telephone calls we barrage him with. Who knows how many other potential clients you permanently redirected to our competitors?

On the other hand, maybe we are better off without such clients. This fellow probably has other standards that could be used against our products. If he's into spelling errors, just think of what he'd do with the out-of-plane optics or our 'eyeball' measuring system for machining with hundred year old tools? There would be no end to the complaints. So, I changed my mind- good job! Let's eliminate these sticklers from our mailing lists! There must be someone out there who agrees with us that 'It's the thought that counts'.

Also, I do recognize the fact that the memo in question came from the highest ofﬁce in the company, and that is why I have chosen to negate in the second half of this memo what I stated in the ﬁrst half. I feel that it is not wrong to correct your superiors; it is a duty, but it is also stupid if you want to keep your job. I ﬁgure the CEO is too busy to read all the way down to the bottom of this and everyone else around here would sympathize with my position. Maybe I won't send this after all.

rule 006 (No Parties)

2009-05-15T23:44:13Z

15 May, 2009

Office of Annual Events
Department of Cautious Pessimism
Management Division
BPL HQ, Brooklyn

MEMO
*****************************************************************

As is clearly stated in our Corporate Charter, (BPL DOC. 009-245-001), the Brower Propulsion Laboratory maintains a strict 'one employee policy'. The charter also suggests that this rule cuts down on paperwork and office parties. It has come to my attention that a birthday has been celebrated on company time, in contravention to rule 006 (No Parties). I have discussed this infraction with the employees involved, and it has become necessary to clarify the rule. A party is not just sitting around, blowing out candles and eating cake. A party can also be the receipt of a package containing "presents" at work. It can be the taking of a 'happy birthday' call on the phone- this is banned even during your break time. At the moment we are technically incapable of enforcing this rule, but with 'web 2.0' we will soon be able to make sure you aren't having 'birthday thoughts' either. Celebrating is perhaps important in the larger picture, maybe family activities would be diminished without this ritual, but it is a hazard in the workplace. The distraction, expense, and lack of hygiene are intolerable. Anyone caught in a celebratory mood will be reprimanded, will be disallowed cigarettes, and subjected to remediation, whatever that is.
As always, my door is open to anyone with concerns or suggestions about how to make BPL the best company possible.

Steven Brower
Supervisor, Department of Cautious Pessimism
KC2SQU
CC: Propaganda Division

BPL Environmental Control

2009-03-22T23:42:19Z

22 March, 2008

BPL Environmental Control
Brooklyn Navy Yard

CONFIDENTIAL

Hey Steve-

I have submitted all the required paperwork to allow us to be considered a "green" business. Having done that, I feel that I have to point out a couple things, just to assuage this vaguely guilty sensation I have acquired since faxing that document.

For one thing, we are a tiny business, and even though the corporate officers don't like to admit it, we can't really afford to be green. The processes we would have to put in place to truly minimize our 'carbon footprint' would put us even more out of business than we already are. Changing our electrical system, updating our inefficient equipment, installing scrubbers and filters, using non-toxic materials- and administratively keeping track of the documentation for these improvements- this stuff is all financially unfeasible for us.

And the other thing is that the way we have defined our 'greenness' is actually a backward description of our polluting policy. It is true that our size makes us much less 'toxic' than our full-scale cousins in the Aerospace Industry. But that condition in itself does not make us cleaner as we stated in the documents. And it is true that almost all of our material is found on the streets, taken from dumpsters, donated by other polluters, or just re-used stuff from other projects, and yes, if we actually bought all that crap it would contribute to the pollution that comes from overconsumption- but we still are processing the material, creating toxic plumes or organic vapor, putting large quantities of the material back into the waste stream, and using extra energy to process unusual items, such as refurbishing machines found at garbage dumps.

The biggest worry for me is the ultimate use that our products are put to. On the forms we indicated that since we aren't actually able to get our spacecraft into space, we are actually helping to clean the environment. However, the manufacture of these elaborate devices that go into our missions doesn't seem to have as much of a purpose when they just sit around or appear in some art gallery or person's bathroom.

I think our motto 'doing less with more' could be misconstrued by the authorities, who I predict will see right through our cynical ploy to get this "Green" designation. I for one suggest we continue polluting in the open until our activities are legislated out of existence. Just wanted to get that off my chest. Oh, I liked that last tweet of yours, by the way.

-s

BPL Pickup Team

2009-03-01T15:40:46Z

01 March, 2009

BPL Pickup Team
Flow and Loop Department

To whom it may concern in Accounting:

I have checked with the post office and our usual carrier and they have no idea what we're talking about. I showed them the tracking number (0098TF0002BNW8977), and they have no record of it. I know you think you are sure but I just want to ask you again if the Stimulus Package is actually in a Package. Maybe someone in Washington is having a bit of fun with you. If it's really as valuable as you say, I'm sure they'll resend it when it's returned to them. Also I think the Pennsylvania Avenue return address is a little suspicious. Anyway I don't know where else to look. Maybe you can have them send it to you via PayPal- I think that have that down there.

Anyway good luck- let me know how it turns out!

-Steve
Auto Pool Custodian

BPL-003, MORANIC MISSION TO MONTANA

2009-02-10T06:54:02Z

BROWER PROPULSION LABORATORY MISSION ANNOUNCEMENT

BPL-003

MORANIC MISSION TO MONTANA

Opening Event at Visions West Gallery, Livingston, MT, 24 September, 2010, 6-9 p.m.

Exhibition on view through 09 October, 2010

MISSION OVERVIEW

Beginning on 24 September, 2010, a unique art event will take place in Montana. For a two week period, a full-scale space mission will unfold in the landscape around Yellowstone National Park. The mission will treat the area as though no one had ever seen it before in an attempt to prompt discussion about nature, exploration, and observation. A robotic Lander and a balloon-deployed nanosatellite will be used to assay the landscape and 'Search For Life On Earth'.

The mission has its historic underpinnings in the U.S. Geological Survey of the area in 1871, which included the artist Thomas Moran, whose paintings and aesthetic choices contributed to no less than the establishment of the National Park System, the development of cities and industries, and ultimately helped define the American Ethos.

The mission will take place in an undisclosed location but will be accessible on the Internet (http://browerpropulsionlab.com). A temporary Mission Control Center will be operating at the Visions West Gallery in Livingston, Montana, where equipment and details will be on public view for the duration of the mission.

(Visions West Gallery:

108 South Main Street, Livingston, MT 59047

(406)222-0337

http://visionswestgallery.com)

A schedule of demonstrations and talks during the mission will be made available at the Visions West Gallery. (An updated schedule can always be found at https://bpl-solutions.com/timetable)

A highlight of the mission features the launch of a nanosatellite from the deck of the Lander on 26 September. An observer chosen from the public will execute the launch, which will entail the release of a helium filled balloon connected to an electronics payload that will record data and beacon its position. The balloon will rise to the edge of space and then burst, initiating the descent by parachute of the payload. The public will be asked to participate in the recovery of the payload and tracking of the mission will be visible in real time from the mission website.

The Lander will use its robotic arm and environmental sensors to gather data from the landing site, and combine this information with results from a number of camera systems for analysis of the area. Imagery and information generated by Thomas Moran will be used as the basis for comparison with the spacecraft's findings, in an attempt to revisit not only the places Moran observed, but also the historical context. the mission's experiments are designed to draw attention to the way tools and techniques of observation influence conclusions drawn about the things observed. Arguably, the history of the Yellowstone region can be told in terms of the methods that have been used to gather information about it, as these methods reveal ideological and cultural agendas. Using Moran's paintings and their cultural effects as the database against which the mission's experiments are performed calls to attention the subjectivity that can be hidden in seemingly objective data gathering.

All the equipment, systems, artwork, and paraphernalia pertaining to the mission was created by the Brower Propulsion Laboratory, a quasi-fictitious aerospace company created by artist Steven Brower. Using his artwork as a method for generating problems he has no idea how to solve, Brower sees his art as the byproduct of learning. His miniature versions of NASA-like projects yield results that speak to the desire for greater understanding of the everyday world, and the insistence that this understanding is not only the province of specialists.

Work on this mission began in 2006.

MISSION UPDATES

(1) The 003 mission Pre-Launch Operations Test (PLOT) and Bake Sale took place at Parker's Box, in Brooklyn, New York between 5 June and 21 June, 2009

(parkersbox.com).

(2) The exhibition of the 003 Mission equipment took place at the Esther Klein Art Gallery at the University City Science Center in Philadelphia, PA between 22 January and 21 March, 2010

(http://breadboardphilly.org/).

(3) BPL has successfully completed a project with Kickstarter, a web-based progenitor of funding for endeavors such as this one. We reached our funding goal on 16 March, 2010. Please visit our Kickstarter project page for information about The Moranic Mission To Montana (http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/brower/moranic-mission-to-montana-bpl-003-a-space-miss);

Tolerance

2009-01-20T17:34:52Z

20 January, 2009

Office of Tolerance
Department of Standards
Manufacturing Division
BPL Navy Yard Facility

MEMO
*****************************************************************

   Effective Immediately the Tolerance office will be switching over to the new Standards. As everyone on the shop floor knows, our ability to control quality has been uneven at best. In fact, some in the management section have suggested that we have wavered between "half-assed" and "full-assed" since the company's inception. While we in the Tolerance office take umbrage at these amusing but emotionally hurtful quips, we accept the basic truth that BPL's quality is quite low, compared to industry standards.

   Military and Aerospace specifications for everything from fastener sizes to metallurgical properties have been employed by all companies of our ilk until now.

   To address these quality concerns, Management has decided to issue our own Standards, tailored to our particular techniques and capacities. Instead of using Military Specifications (MS or Milspec), we will be using BPL Specifications (BS). This flexible and adaptable code will allow us to gain market share moving forward and at the end of the day will prevent quality complaints, or at least will give us a legal basis for countersuits. Instead of getting bogged down in the exact size of a hole for a given fastener, we will generally refer to MS or NAS (Aerospace) standards, but if the situation does not allow for this kind of precision, we will switch over to our more robust BS standards.

   We know it will take some getting used to, and that some, especially those in the Milling Section, will not want to accept the new Standard. Gradually we expect the level of quality surrounding these stalwart holdouts to reach a level where they can no longer resist the tide of change.

   The new Standard should be thought of not so much as a rule book, but more as an ethos, a way of thinking. BPL is certain to burrow even farther into the niche it has carved for itself in the Aerospace industry with the implementation of BS. We expect others to follow our lead, especially in this economy.

questions and comments to mail stop 1848.

Memo- Voided BPL Stock Certificates

2008-08-23T01:53:00Z

BPL Headquarters, Bushwick, Brooklyn, New York, USA
Office Of Voided Documents, Department Of Artificial Aspects, Marketing Section, Propaganda Division

20 March, 2008

***********************M E M O R A N D U M***********************

   The Enclosed Brower Propulsion Laboratory Stock Certificate has been declared 'Null and Void' by this office for the purposes of flashing it around and trying to seduce prospective investors. It should be pointed out that, due to the unique nature of Brower Propulsion Laboratory's Corporate Structure, this document loses none of its intrinsic value despite its nullification. In fact, to date, as this is the only 'Null and Void' document in the entire BPL Filing System, it is unique, and therefore a teeny bit more valuable than its "fully valid" counterparts. Collectors of such ephemera as 'double minted coins' and 'Inverted Jenny' stamps should be expected to greedily paw at this singular piece of history.

   Speaking of which, the intended purpose of the document, alluded to earlier, is to provide physical evidence of the possession of shares in this recently incorporated aerospace manufacturing company. New owners of shares of BPL will gain membership to a burgeoning American Elite. They will not be subjected to the traditional tedium of following their stock's value over time; nor will they have to worry about making decisions and voting for or against plans concerning the Company's future. Because the Company is incorporated under its own laws (see mention of Soloanthropy in the Brower Propulsion Laboratory Corporate Philosophy-Doc# BPL-05607), it doesn't have to answer to external regulations. Moreover, the company hasn't really got any profit motive, employees, or tangible capital, other than some funny gadgets and a 1978 Mercedes 300 Deisel. In essence, you get what you pay for, an unprecedented phenomenon in American investment. Because of this innovation, just one of many to BPL's credit, Company profits will always increase, and investor risk never will. This worry - free kind of investment may indeed someday become the standard by which all American companies are judged.
   Brower Propulsion Laboratory stock is fully guaranteed for the life of the investment and can be exchanged at any time for more stock. There is no limit to the number of shares that can be purchased, although investors must submit to having their contact information entered into BPL's Stock Ledger, held at BPL Headquarters. Price of stock varies; its value does not.

BPL-002, Outsourcing Mission To China

2008-08-23T01:48:13Z

20 February, 2008

BPL Corporate Headquarters
Bushwick, Brooklyn, New York
Propaganda Division,
Office of Identification,
Department of Trinkets

***************************PUBLIC MEMORANDUM***************************

   It has come to the attention of the Executive office that a BPL employee's girlfriend has been given the opportunity to visit China for six (6) weeks. Certainly, this turn of events represents some kind of achievement on her part, some accolade or accomplishment worthy of applause. But we are not concerned with that happy circumstance at this juncture.
   What we at BPL are interested in is the fact that this could be an opportunity to finally have a BPL product manufactured in China. This would represent yet another notch in our corporate belt, legitimacy-wise. And you, fair member of the consuming public, can help.
   Brower Propulsion Laboratory must raise $1,226.47 USD (at least) to send our employee to China on a secret mission. Ostensibly, he will be there to help her with the aforementioned accomplishment, but in reality, he will be carrying out BPL-002, our second official mission. He will be making, by hand, small, tourist style landscape paintings of the Chinese landscape in Henan province and environs. These products will represent BPL's foray into global manufacturing. In keeping with BPL's other activities, this mission will be underfunded and lack in certain vital components, such as intellect, but will at least be guaranteed to be accomplished (owing to low expectations).
   WHAT YOU CAN DO:
To help Brower Propulsion Laboratory carry out its second mission, you can send a check or money order to:
   Steven Brower
   393 Bushwick Avenue
   Brooklyn, NY 11206
   USA
Please make this instrument payable to "Steven Brower"
   WHAT YOU WILL GET:
At the completion of the mission you will receive by post:
   1) Hand made-in-China-by-American landscape sketch art painting or similar, at least 5" X 7" in dimension, signed, dated, and otherwise verified at the point of manufacture.
   2) Complete BPL Mission Report, in inimitable yet cheap BPL style
FOR ADDITIONAL DONATIONS BEYOND THE 50 BUCKS, YOU WILL ALSO RECEIVE:
   3) A Certificate Of Authenticity, suitable for filing, which describes your artwork painting sketch in exhaustive detail, places it in the context of other patrons' gifts, numerically, and is wax-sealed and shiny.
   4) One (1) share of BPL, represented by our new "Stock Certificate", which, while having no cash value, is nonetheless quite sincere, gesture-wise.
   It is hardly necessary to emphasize the importance for BPL to have a global presence. As the smallest and least well equipped of all known aerospace manufacturing companies, we have to be innovative when it comes to production. For instance, we can think of no other company that doesn't even pay its employees as a matter of policy. So for us to have a facility in China, spewing out our products at unheard of rates and for unheard of rates, albeit manifested as just one person doodling on a kind of vacation, is a chance of a lifetime. If BPL is something you have never heard of, please look at our website, browerpropulsionlab.com, or that of one of our employees, stevenbrower.com. At these sites you can download information about past missions and half-assed plans, previous schemes and future intentions.
   This mission is scheduled to take place beginning in mid April, 2008. Multiple orders are welcomed, but pre payment is necessary. You should receive your Mission Relics by the beginning of June, 2008. If you would like an email update of the mission planning and other "progress", just let us know.
   From the management team at BPL, we want to sincerely thank you for your support, such as it is.

PIST- BPL's Phone Integrated Service Terminal

2008-08-16T12:03:58Z

BPL Headquarters,
Bushwick, Brooklyn, New York, USA
10 March, 2008

********PROJECT DOCUMENT - NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION********
BROWER PROPULSION LABORATORY PHONE INTEGRATED SERVICE TERMINAL (PIST)

CONTENTS:
SCRIPT FOR AUTOMATED, TELEPHONE ACCESSED PUBLIC LIASON, ONLY LESS SO.
Notes: main menu numbered items 1-6. Sub menus labeled 1.x, 1.x.x, etc. Audio portions generally between * and *; excluding items between < and > and indicating numbers.

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
OGM:
* Hello, and welcome to Brower Propulsion Laboratory's PIST system. The Phone Integrated Service Terminal's Menu has changed so please listen carefully. You can access the Main Menu at any time by pressing (1). To get serviced even faster, you can find BPL on the Web at browerpropulsionlab.com. *
***********************************************************************************
1.

   * To hear a brief description of BPL's products, services, philosophy, history, purpose, background, provenance, credentials, legal peccadilloes, and prospects, press (2);

2.   * To hear a list of current BPL Mission Descriptions, press (3);

3.    * To access our VRCE System, our Voice Recognition Character Emulator, so that you may use your voice rather than your keypad to navigate the PIST System, press (4);

4.    * For complaints and technical questions, press (5);

5.    * To order replacement parts for any of BPL's spacecraft, or for other orders, press (6);

6.    * To hear this Menu again, press (1) *
***********************************************************************************
1.1
    * BPL originates, develops, and prosecutes space missions with little or no money and very little know-how. Its various departments, offices, positions, and assets are all represented by one person, for the sake of convenience. BPL positions itself at the forefront of the aerospace industry in terms of its lack of resources and capabilities. Founded late in the 20th century, Brower Propulsion Laboratory was created to fill a niche in the aerospace field. While many large corporations and small companies have been formed to satisfy military, scientific, and prestige goals, none have yet been organized around the principal of disutility. The missions that BPL creates and carries out are developed in spite of the lack of many elements that other organizations find indispensable. For instance, the absence of a skill and knowledge base at BPL does not hinder its progress in the least. Similarly, the fact that BPL possesses neither assets nor appreciable income does not prevent it from completing missions. Having no staff or employees is not an impediment. The reason these things don't matter in the case of BPL, but would cripple any normal company, is simply that BPL is only motivated by doing. The basic goal of each mission at BPL is to do something. While this goal hovers in the background of every exploratory or inquisitive endeavor undertaken by individual or corporation, rarely does it maintain its prominence when compared with other motivational options such as profit, prestige, dominance, sustenance, mating, etc. BPL has become the leading innovator with this technique in the industry. To date, BPL has executed numerous missions and tests, and has constructed a whole line of equipment of limited utility. Our projects include: The complete reconstruction of a Lunar Excursion Module Ascent Stage, originally as employee housing, then as a public feasibility demonstration. Our LEM is now hanging in the Museum Of Flight, in Seattle, Washington. We constructed a reiteration of the Apollo era A7lB space suit used on the moon in the 1970's. Our Munin and Limper exploration missions are ongoing, and we recently completed BPL-001, Conrad Carpenter's Funeral Mission, which launched the deceased astronaut-handyman's remains into the atmosphere over his ancestral birthplace in Wales, UK. Our future projects will include a docking mission, and several new balloon based experiments, as well as BPL-002, a manufacturing expansion to China.

1.2    * To hear a list of current BPL Mission Descriptions, press (3);

1.3    * To return to the Main Menu, press (1);

1.4    * To hear a historical recording of the first BPL press conference, press (2);

1.5    * To order stock in BPL, press (6) *
***********************************************************************************

2.1
    * Currently BPL is working on MUNIN, LIMPER, BPL-002, a manufacturing mission in China, and BPL-003, a docking mission between a BPL spacecraft and various earthbound objects. The LIMPER rover mission is an attempt to conduct an extraterrestrial exploration mission without leaving the Earth, which is much less expensive and dirty than going all the way to Mars. With mathematics, we can extrapolate everything we need to know about other planets so that we never need to go anywhere. We can just stay in our room if we want.... Munin is a lander based on the 1970's Viking project. BPL's mission will use the science of the 1970's to prove that there is no life on Earth. As these missions are capital intensive, and BPL is still recovering from a financial scandal involving a high priced call-center ring, progress is slow. See the website for details. BPL-002 is a 'piggy back' mission to China. An employee's partner was invited to China for legitimate purposes. Seizing the opportunity, BPL has arranged to send our man along, equipped with a custom made AAS, or Art Application System, so that he may execute touristic sketch art paintings, which will be sold to our non existent clients upon his return. This is an extremely economical way for BPL to expand its production base to China, just like every other American company, and we expect this process to add greatly to our legitimacy, if not our coffers. In a single occupancy company like BPL, outsourcing and travel coincide.

2.2    * To hear Mission Control Live, press (2);

2.3    * To hear the thought of the day, press (3) *
***********************************************************************************

3.1
    * Welcome to the VRCE System, BPL's voice recognition Character Emulator, part of the PIST System, the Phone Integrated Service Terminal of Brower Propulsion Laboratory. To initiate the system, without pressing any buttons, and we can't emphasize this enough - you wouldn't believe how many people push buttons at this point, so please, just speak without your hands, and say "Knickers and Cheesy Fries"... You said "Bumper Sticker", is that right?...Please say "Knickers and Cheesy Fries" directly into the part of the phone that is not pressed against your ear... I'm sorry, you said "parsley with a hint of butter and a six pack of wine coolers". To initiate the system we will need to get a sample of your voice so that our patented software can adjust to your particular speaking patterns. Please speak slowly and clearly and say "I guess it depends on what the definition of is is, and if is is not what you say it is, then what is it?"... You said "truck it", is that right? I'll return you to the main menu while you decide whether or not you want to cooperate. Thanks! *
***********************************************************************************

4.1
    * Welcome to the Troubleshooting Department. Please find someplace comfortable to ensconce yourself, maybe go to the bathroom first and call back if you have a cord on your phone, as this may take a while, due, needless to say, to Brower Propulsion Laboratory's unrelenting commitment to service, divided by prodigious call volume. We wouldn't want you to be distracted while we take your very important information, and we wouldn't want you somehow to be tempted to lash out at innocent phone operators, just because you are not prepared to go through the Troubleshooting process.

4.2    * If you have a question about installation or adjustment of a BPL Spacecraft, press (2);

4.3    * If you have found a BPL product on your property or what used to be your property, press (3);

4.4    * Please note that while the PIST system is functioning 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, we are closed for Easter . To complain about this, press (...)

4.5    * If you have a complaint not covered so far by this menu, please reduce your level of expectation and try again. If you still have a problem, push buttons at random. Remember, you can't reduce your score by guessing. *
***********************************************************************************

5.1
    * Thank you for ordering genuine Brower Propulsion Laboratory replacement parts. Our products are unconditionally guaranteed to last the lifetime of the product. And sometimes even longer. Each BPL spacecraft is composed entirely of custom made components generated in our manufacturing section, excepting in other instances. All parts are in stock and many are interchangeable. Many parts have something to do with computers. To efficiently direct your call, please answer the following questions using your touchtone keypad. Is the part you want long and skinny, or short and fat? Press (2) or (3) respectively. Is the part you want bumpy or smooth? again with the (2) or (3). Can you fit the part you want in your pocket or is it a little too big? Press (2) for pocket sized, and (3) for over pocket sized. Finally, is the part you're looking for particularly smelly, or does it have no discernible odor? (2) or (3)... We don't have that part, sorry.

5.2    * If you would like to purchase stock in Brower Propulsion Laboratory, press (4). Buying stock in BPL is a good idea, because you always know your stock is of the same high quality as all BPL's other great products - and each share in the company comes with a guarantee. So press (4).

5.3    * If you'd like to order some other BPL product, such as our 'Pill To Give Astronauts The Sensation Of Shopping', press (5) *

5.4    * Brower Propulsion Laboratory also offers a number of products you can order for your own space program, or to reduce your surplus resources. These include selections from the "Space Bodega", vacuum dried, salted and compressed prepared snack food products in sealed '5G' containers; a device to allow astronauts to smoke cigarettes in low pressure environments; a nose beacon for hip but lost astronauts, 'Squeet', squeezable meat, in a host of flavors with condiment compartments, so that astronauts may create sandwiches without utensils, or for direct ingestion from the tube; a line of 'Prantiques', or pre-antiques, which, briefly, are anticipatory products that are not yet made in expectation of their appearance in the nostalgia market, at which point they are actually created in small numbers to increase their value. These include future space films about the past which has not yet occurred, and post preretro jewelry found in tombs launched into space on future BPL Missions. Other products include a test space suit for vacuum chamber work with a chimp or precocious orphan; a space rated watercolor set, called an AAS, or Art Application System, various aluminum geology tools, working but funny digital cameras, surplus electronic equipment, paintings and drawings, posters, paraphernalia, advice, and a dog walking service. Also you can order a BPL t shirt, or one of the Art Tourist China Manufacturing Mission Painting Sketches, to be created during BPL-002. Oh, press (6). *
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SPECIAL RECORDINGS
    * S1.Press Conference...

    * S2.Mission Control Live...

    * S3.Thought of the day...

    * S4.Final message:
        * Please leave a brief message for the Team at BPL, or press (1) to return to the main menu. Please be succinct and detailed. If you fail to satisfy these simple conditions, you may not be called back. These lines are not monitored for quality assurance. Too much trouble, frankly. You may only leave one message per four hour period, which should be about four times as many as necessary. *
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1.2.1        = 2.1

1.3.1        = 1

1.4.1        =

1.5.1        = 5.1
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2.2.1        =

2.3.1        =
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3.1.1        = 1

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4.2.1        = S4

4.3.1        = S4

4.4.1        =

4.5.1        = S4
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5.2.1        = S4

5.3.1        = S4

5.4.1        = S4

REPAIR OF PORTABLE MISSION CONTROL MAIN COMPUTER

2008-08-04T17:50:42Z

SYNOPSIS OF ISSUE
Arbitrary and abrupt shutdown, "Bad RTC Battery" message, orneryness. Investigation of the Interweb revealed a proclivity for this type of machine to malfunction due to an inferior design of a cable connector. Much discussion of whether or not the manufacturer designed this flaw into the machine to facilitate the increased sale of red herring batteries. Ultimately the remedy seems to be to resolder the connection after dismantling the computer.

Tools:
soldering station
magnifier
VOM
miniature screwdrivers
toothpick
cotton Swab
home made blueberry pie wedge
digital camera

After opening the case and removing several components, the power supply board was separated from the system board. The offending connector mentioned in the research documents seems to have been 'repaired' already. The 80 pin connector is surrounded by some kind of epoxy, so soldering any broken connections seems to be unlikely. Various ways of distorting and flexing the computer case and the boards were experimented with to try to get the connector to stay mated. All worked equally unsatisfactorily. The pie was consumed during deep cogitation over the problem. In typical BPL fashion, the machine was reassembled, thinking that having the thing put all together and having all the screws nice and tight would solve the problem, as it has on so many other occasions. This solution was no different from those other occasions, inasmuch as it was equally unsatisfactory. The machine sometimes still shits the bed. The next day the machine was dismantled again and a wedge of cedar was inserted under the system board to mitigate the flexing of the case. Upon reassembly, not much had changed but technicians felt relieved that at least moths would not be invading the computer and causing mayhem.
CONCLUSION
The repair team is assessing options. One option is to obtain a ribbon cable and try to 'remote' the connection, i.e., making a hole in the case and moving the power supply board outside the machine (this bulky repair has its aesthetic appeal, and is the most marketable of the solutions tabled). Another idea is to find a use for the computer which would not necessitate its being on all the time or reliably, such as in prop situations, interior decoration, or various scam scenarios involving the original source for the machine (an interweb marketplace for used or Chinese commodities). All agree that the pain in the ass about the situation is that the machine 'almost' works fine and there is a reluctance to retire it. Expensive options involve acquiring a duplicate machine, with supposedly better parts, to double the price and volume of and for an ever - growing mound at BPL of nearly - useful, once - excellent, in need of some adjustment or cleaning, technological appurtenances.

Public Memorandum

2008-02-20T16:20:10Z

It has come to the attention of the Executive ofﬁce that a BPL employeeʼs girlfriend has been given the opportunity to visit China for six (6) weeks. Certainly, this turn of events represents some kind of achievement on her part, some accolade or accomplishment worthy of applause. But we are not concerned with that happy circumstance at this juncture.

What we at BPL are interested in is the fact that this could be an opportunity to ﬁnally have a BPL product manufactured in China. This would represent yet another notch in our corporate belt, legitimacy-wise. And you, fair member of the consuming public, can help.

Brower Propulsion Laboratory must raise $1,226.47 USD (at least) to send our employee to China. Ostensibly, he will be there to help aforementioned girlfriend with the aforementioned accomplishment, but in reality, he will be carrying out BPL-002, our second ofﬁcial mission. He will be making, by hand, small, tourist style paintings of the Chinese landscape in Henan province and environs. These products will represent BPLʼs foray into global manufacturing. In keeping with BPLʼs other activities, this mission will be underfunded and lack in certain vital components, such as intellect, but will at least be guaranteed to be accomplished (owing to low expectations).

WHAT YOU CAN DO:

To help Brower Propulsion Laboratory carry out its second mission, you can send a check or money order for $50.00USD (negotiable) to:

Steven Brower
393 Bushwick Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11206
USA

Please make this instrument payable to "Steven Brower"

WHAT YOU WILL GET:

At the completion of the mission you will receive by post:

1) One (1) Hand made-in-China-by-American landscape sketch art painting or similar, at least 5" X 7" in dimension, signed, dated, and otherwise veriﬁed at the point of manufacture.

2) A complete BPL Mission Report, in inimitable yet cheap BPL style.

FOR ADDITIONAL DONATIONS BEYOND THE 50 BUCKS, YOU WILL ALSO RECEIVE:

3) A Certiﬁcate Of Authenticity, suitable for ﬁling, which describes your artwork painting sketch in exhaustive detail, places it in the context of other patronsʼ gifts, numerically, and is wax-sealed and shiny.

4) One (1) share of BPL, represented by our new "Stock Certiﬁcate", which, while having no cash value, is nonetheless quite sincere, gesture-wise.

It is hardly necessary to emphasize the importance for BPL to have a global presence. As the smallest and least well equipped of all known aerospace manufacturing companies, we have to be innovative when it comes to production. For instance, we can think of no other company that doesnʼt even pay its employees as a matter of policy. So for us to have a facility in China, spewing out our products at unheard of rates and for unheard of rates, albeit manifested as just one person doodling on a kind of vacation, is a chance of a lifetime. If BPL is something you have never heard of, please look at our website, browerpropulsionlab.com, or that of one of our employees, stevenbrower.com. At these sites you can download information about past missions and half-assed plans, previous schemes and future intentions.

This mission is scheduled to take place beginning in mid April, 2008. Multiple orders are welcomed, but pre-payment is necessary, and hardly refundable. You should receive your Mission Relics by the beginning of June, 2008. If you would like an email update of the mission planning and other "progress", just let us know.

From the management team at BPL, we want to sincerely thank you for your support, such as it is.

Pecuniary Interests

2008-01-01T17:51:06Z

01 January, 2008
Office of Pecuniary Interests
Department of Optimism and Interpretation
Management Division
BPL HQ, Brooklyn

MEMO
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To Whom it may concern in the Department of Information Control, Department of Outreach, and/or Department of Corporate Semaphore:

   Our office is initiating an investigation into the proclivity someone down there has for giving away BPL artifacts. While it is stated in our corporate mission objectives that BPL 'originates, develops, and prosecutes space missions with little or no money and very little know-how', we hardly think the company should be constantly divesting itself of the few assets it has accumulated through hard work, dedication, and most of all, luck, for no form of remuneration whatsoever.
   From the perspective of our ledger, it appears that any time some school, car dealership, or orphanage is having a raffle, ice cream social, bingo game, 'benefit auction' or gala, they can just call up your department and get some historically significant artifact to dispense at a profit for themselves.
   I ask you, are we spending our lives designing, prototyping, testing, perfecting these objects, (which are almost art) so that they can be flung to the winds, disassociated from their purpose, dispensed as mere trinkets to a bored and anonymous clientele? Does this self-destructive Charity really even benefit those greedy entities who expect a regular and constant influx of commodities to perpetuate their organizations (bloated and wasteful as they might be)? The value of these things comes not from the amount of money that can be garnered from their sale, but from the awareness of their significance in a social context. By giving these heirlooms away, we obliterate any value they might have, unless, by some happenstance, they are snapped up by a savvy or cunning passerby with a few coins in his pocket who knows what they are.
   BPL will not be dependent on these random events for the maintenance of its historical materials. Henceforth, any disbursal of equipment, artifacts, documents, ephemera, or office furniture, will have to be cleared through this office, as well as any others already pertinent. If we find this trickle of our lifeblood continues to seep into the bottomless vessels of 'needy organizations', punitive action will be considered. To show you that we are serious about this matter, we have been authorized to cancel the 'three legged sled race' and the 'HAM radio DX contest' for this upcoming weekend. Don't even bother to show up at the park; you'll have to think of some other activity for your families; perhaps you can take them to a charity auction - now that sounds like fun!

Regretfully,

Steven Brower
President, Green Visor Task Force
KC2SQU
CC: Propaganda Division