Department of Ephemera: December 2009 Archives

BPL Holiday Memo

Directorate for Resident Operators Office Parties

23 December, 2009

In consultation with upper management, this office has concluded discussions about the annual BPL office party.  Our main concern has been to avoid last year's fiasco, but still have fun.
From around the middle of December until 2 January, people are generally rushing around hurriedly attempting to 'finish' things and address their holiday needs.  This results in missed work days and elevated levels of stress.  We don't have to remind you that a lot of traveling gets done in this period, and the general elevation of anxiety can be dangerous at home, on the roads, in the air, out in space, and most importantly, at work.

That is why we chose to schedule this year's party in a statistically and scientifically considerate manner, rather than with an eye toward tradition and sentimentality.  This year's party will be held Wednesday, 27 January, 2010, during the lunch break which will be extended to a full 45 minutes, beginning at 10:20 a.m. EDT.  Also as usual, it will be in the break room, next to the secretary's first aid station.  Studies have shown that this is the least productive moment of the year, so spending the time on a party will not interfere with our progress too much.

As with any holiday office party, this directorate will be responsible for collecting the funds from all of you for the decorations and refreshments.  $25.00 each should do.  The collection period begins immediately and will end on Friday, 22 January, at 7:50 p.m. EDT.  Keep in mind that your receipt is your ticket to the party, the attendance of which is mandatory, company-wide.  We will need volunteers for the several committees: Decorating (this year's theme: Bow Hunting); Place settings, Cutlery, and Condiments (see me for some left overs from last year); Music (appropriate, please!); Food (Diabetes friendly);  and Secret Santa.  We really need everyone's help to make this year's party the best ever, so don't be afraid to make suggestions!
Oh, and one other thing.  Due to the time of day, management has decided that alcohol will not be a feature of this year's party.  If you want to drink, do it before you come to work.

BPL Head Office
Sanitation Desk
22 December, 2009

It has come to the attention of this desk, and the person or persons sitting behind or on it, that a memo was sent out recently without our approval.  Clearly stated in the BPL Bylaws, in the BPL Handbook (I'll let you figure out which page and paragraph as penance), is the directive that all Memos, documents, notes, literature, sermons, graphic representations or novels (or even descriptions), files, or scrivenations of any kind must be approved by the Sanitation Desk.  We discovered that the word 'RECEIVING' was spelled 'RECIEVING' in the subject line of an electronic missive sent to the entire network on 21 December, 2009.  Here is a real email we got in response:
i before e, except after c, or when sounds like a(long), as in "neighbor" or "weigh"
Exceptions:  seize, inveigle, either, weird, leisure, neither.
your professor,
To the Author of the Original Memo:
Now, you might say to yourself, 'that's just a petty sniping at our single flaw; there's no mention of all the dozens of words in the document we spelled correctly!', but that's not the point!  This guy, after getting that document, and looking over all the hard work this company put into devising it, and all the somewhat less hard work it might have put into whatever the document refers to, this guy, who is technically right you know, says, 'yeah, whatever, but you spelled this word wrong, so screw you!"  And that is his prerogative.  He will probably never send us his business, never look at our website, and never be convinced that we are for real - no matter how many 'free samples' and coupons or robotic midnight telephone calls we barrage him with.  Who knows how many other potential clients you permanently redirected to our competitors?

On the other hand, maybe we are better off without such clients.  This fellow probably has other standards that could be used against our products.  If he's into spelling errors, just think of what he'd do with the out-of-plane optics or our 'eyeball' measuring system for machining with hundred year old tools?  There would be no end to the complaints.  So, I changed my mind- good job!  Let's eliminate these sticklers from our mailing lists!  There must be someone out there who agrees with us that 'It's the thought that counts'.

Also, I do recognize the fact that the memo in question came from the highest office in the company, and that is why I have chosen to negate in the second half of this memo what I stated in the first half.  I feel that it is not wrong to correct your superiors; it is a duty, but it is also stupid if you want to keep your job.  I figure the CEO is too busy to read all the way down to the bottom of this and everyone else around here would sympathize with my position.  Maybe I won't send this after all.